Breaking the Cycle: How to Stop Falling for Narcissistic Partners

Dating a narcissistic person can be traumatizing, and recovering from the aftermath of such relationships can be a long and challenging journey. Leaving a narcissistic partner can leave you with many conflicting feelings like immense relief, but also deep sadness. It can feel peaceful yet empty. You may feel a new sense of freedom, but you can also feel guilty or disbelieving that you are truly free from the relationship. Healing can be a painful process that requires time and support from others. As you move forward, one question that may be on your mind is “How do I prevent this from happening again?”.

It may sound corny, but prevention looks like cultivating self-love and rebuilding the self-esteem that the narcissistic partner destroyed. This is a profound part of the healing journey.  A solid foundation of self-love will guide you when establishing new healthy boundaries. Most importantly, It gives you the power to resist the manipulative tactics of narcissistic people in the future. Narcissists tend to target those who have low self-esteem. They can appear as if they are coming to save you from all your struggles. They often start relationships by love-bombing you. However, the reality is, narcissists take advantage of your lack of self-love to inflate their ego and keep you under their control. So then, what does practicing self-love look like when entering back into the dating scene?

Set Boundaries 

You have to ask yourself questions such as:

• “What behavior will I accept?”

• “What will I not accept?”

• “What am I willing to give to a partner?”

• “What are things I refuse to do in a relationship?” are all great starting points. 

Remember, narcissistic people don’t understand much less respect boundaries. Love yourself enough to set them, remembering that your time here on earth and the energy you give to others is precious. Setting boundaries teaches people how to treat you because you get to decide what you will and won’t accept in your life.

“Healthy Boundaries are not walls. They are gates and fences that allow you to enjoy the beauty of your own garden” - Lyndia Hall

Work on Your Self-Esteem 

Just like all things in life that are worth having, it takes work to have them. Self-esteem and self-love take consistent work. Doing the work looks like:

• Challenging Negative Self-Talk and Thoughts and embracing Positive Self-Talk and Thoughts

• Setting Achievable Goals

• Recognizing and Celebrating Your Accomplishments (No Matter How Big or Small) 

• Re-engaging in Things YOU Enjoy

• Prioritize Your Mental and Physical Health

• Setting Boundaries (There It Is Again)

• Build a Network of Support and Positivity

• Practice Gratitude and Mindfulness

• Embrace Yourself for all Your Strengths and Weaknesses

“If you can’t love yourself how in the hell are you going to love anyone else? Can I get a amen up in here?” -Rupaul

Focus on Values

A lot of the time narcissistic relationships can take you away from your values. Your partner's values become your values, and to deviate away from that can be dangerous. Part of healing is reassessing what truly matters to you. Defining your values provides you with a compass for better decision-making, strengthens your sense of purpose, and builds a foundation for a life you are proud to live.

“If you don’t stand for something. You’ll fall for anything” - Malcolm X 

Learning/ Identifying Red Flags

Here is where you truly do some preventative work. When you feel ready to put yourself back out there, look for these common narcissistic patterns of behavior: 

• Love Bombing

• Gaslighting 

• Manipulation and Guilt Trips

• Belittling You or Others

• Lack of Accountability Placing Unrealistic Expectations or Demanding Perfection

• Monologuing About Themselves 

• Attention Seeking Behavior 

Knowing these common red flags will protect you, prevent harm, promote healthy boundaries, and give you back your agency to make the right choices in your life. 

“I never lose, I either win or I learn.” - Nelson Mandela 

Avoid People Who Attempt to Control You

Avoiding controlling people gets easier as you build your self-love. When you feel lost, lonely, or have nothing to do, you become a target for narcissistic people. Narcissistic relationships are all about power dynamics and control. A narcissistic partner will impose their opinions on you, get angry or upset when you don’t listen to them, they’ll criticize your appearance and values, and they’re consistently trying to change and control the way you behave. Narcissistic partners do not see you as an autonomous being, but rather as an extension of themselves. 

Engaging in activities you enjoy, setting boundaries, and surrounding yourself with people who support you will help build your confidence. When you have self-love and confidence it acts as a narcissist repellent. There is peace in knowing you aren’t prey to a narcissist. 

Never again will you fall for it. 

“The moment that you start to wonder if you deserve better, you do.” - Chenell Parker